Who wants to see the worst standup in recorded history? Don't talk to the screen you dumbass, I can't actually hear you. I'm going to be doing a short standup bit at the Steaknife open mic night this Friday, April 4th. It's in Minneapolis, Near the University of Minnesota campus. Nobody reads this, but if you wandered into the site on accident, live in Minneapolis, and want to get wasted (It's 2 for 1 beers on Fridays) click on contact nate and I'll give you directions. I'm gonna bomb so bad people will think they're in Baghdad. Topics to be covered include: My unique stance on abortion, the religon debate completely explained, and why it's trendy to be part of underground crime culture (that's completely Quentin Tarantino's fault, in case you need to know right now.)

So my sore throat hasn't gotten much worse, and I'm slightly less worried about SARS than I was last night. This is mostly courtesy of an article someone sent me, which I will link you to.....now. It's funny, I promise. Oh, and individual posts to this log do not represent the views of Cephaladon Studios. What I'm trying to say is: Jed's going to hell. That's probably my final thought.

The Streets of Taiwan are Colored with the Blood of the Innocent

Last week I was kidnapped by an international cartel of Taiwanese gangsters and shipped back to their country to work as an underage prostitute. Do you know hard it is to act like a 10 year old girl when you're 5' 10" and are obviously sporting a sausage under your mini skirt? The customers weren't too picky though; as long as I made an attempt to act like an underage girl full of innocene they didn't mind. Apparently, being full of innocence also means being full of man chowder. It wasn't too bad, tasted like Thai food.

I am, however, almost out of makeup, and the money I make selling my man-snatch on the streets isn't enough to cover it. If I don't get all dolled up the customers will be able to tell I'm not really a little girl and I fear I'll be drawn and quartered in the town square. Homosexuality is illegal here apparently. Not that I'm gay, but you gotta do what you gotta do.

Send any and all donations to Nate or Jed. Preferablly Jed, last time Nate handled my money I ended up losing a pinky to the Yakuza, but that's a different story.

Not but a few minutes ago, I lost a post I had been working on for about an hour, close to two. Instead of retyping half my life and my old Seventh Day Adventist beliefs, I'll make a statement.

Satanism is not what the media has made it out to be.

Satanism is about living life for yourself and for life.

Most Satanists do not believe in Satan.

Where Christianity has its Ten Commandments, Satanism has the Nine Satanic Statements, the Eleven Satanic Rules of the Earth, which state the Satanic law of the jungle for social interaction, and instead of Christianity's Seven Deadly Sins, Satanism has the Nine Satanic Sins.

If you are actually interested and not too offended, read more at Satanism 101. This wasn't meant to pursuade anyone into thinking something different, but after I lost that well thought out, unbias, long, and openminded post I really don't give a fuck.

I'm really pissed I lost that post.

Everyone welcome Matt to the writing team. He will be posting coverage of the war with Iraq, as well as journal entries while he travels around the world representing Cephaladon Studio's own news department. Don't ask where we get our funding.

On a slightly sadder note... I know I'm American because I'm worried that I have SARS (Would you like to know more?) Even though I'm at least 500 miles from any infected area. Oh well, at least I don't advocate setting an entire country on fire for no apparent reason. Enough anti-war rhetoric from me though, for a sense of unbiaseditudeness, here's a pro war link for all of you.

And here's a sample:

Q: What about conscientious objectors, people with a moral objection to killing?

A: These namby-pamby boys don't object to killing, they just have an irrational fear of being killed. However, since cowards are no good on the front lines of a war, they can be jailed for the (hopefully indefinite) duration and forced to produce useful goods like bombs, bullets, and boots.

Q: Why do you keep referring to soldiers as "boys?" Can't women fight too?

A: One wonderful thing about war is that everyone has a useful job to do, a proper place in society. Women are a liability in battle, and their proper role is to provide sexual services to the soldiers on leave, make war goods in factories, and produce babies who will grow up to serve as soldiers.


You heard the man, if you don't have one in the oven ladies, you're doing your country a disservice. That's my final thought.

Wow. That is all i have to say... wow.
If you are over 18 years of age please check out "Rate my Gas Mask."
Nate votes for number 1. I, myself, am going for number 8... what do you think?

They just don't make them like muslims.

Now some of you folks may be asking, "What the FUCK is a cephaladon?" That is a good question. A cephaladon is the combination of two creatures. A cephalapod like creature, and an elephant. A cephaladon has the the head of a cephalapod, an octopus-like creature called Cthulhu, created by the author H.P. Lovecraft, seen here, and the body of a very large elephant, or a hairless mastodon, seen here. This may not answer all of your questions, in fact I suspect it should bring up some more, but now you know, and a wise man told me once that knowing is half the battle.

I hate HTML.

I went to a party last night. A few people at this party deserve note, that is to say, I hated a few of the people there.

There was a guy at the party with long blonde hair and wearing a black trenchcoat. He was a drug dealer from Madison. I don't normally introduce people like this, but that's what he said.
"Where do you live?"
"Madison."
"Do you go to school there?"
"No, I sell drugs."
I was interested at this point. People that take themselves seriously tickle me in a way that other things just... don't.
"Really. What drugs do you sell?"
"Pot."
Obviously at the top of the drug totem pole in Madison. Fuck you, Trenchcoat Douchebag.

Then there were these two wasted chicks just begging for dick. It was ugly. So were they. One of them had horizontal zippers on her shirt. To me, that defeats the purpose of a zipper. As a fashion statement though, it did make her look like a two dollar whore, so props if that's the image you want. These two lovely ladies hadn't gotten past the maturity point in high school where you realize that cliques exist, and are able to name them. It's fun, don't get me wrong, but to be in college at a party and telling people about the cliques in your high school, just seems sort of juvenile to me.

"And there were the preps, and the jocks, and the like, band geeks, and the punks..." No shit. There's a reason drunk chicks end up with cocks in their mouths. At some point even they realize they need to stop talking.

Now that I've agreed to do this whole "blog" thing, I begin to wonder why? Personally I don't think that many will read this, and those who do most likely will not find enlightenment from my words, especially not from my words. Do some people actually care what I think? The gods know I don't give much of a fuck for anyone else's opinion. Maybe, over time, I will begin to read others' posts, see what people have to say... But, again, why? How will this further my life, my quest for knowledge, my plans of conquest? I believe that reading others' posts will only affirm my very low expectations of the human race, maybe even lower them... Maybe someone will read this and lower their expectations as well, that would be rewarding, but again why? Why would somebody read this? I suppose some may find my logic and thought process amusing, others may find it dull and depressive, and some may just be offended, but I do not expect people to read this and find something profound, something that will make much sense or even something they can comprehend. Maybe my expectations are a little too low, but this way it's very hard for me to be disappointed. Maybe I shouldn't expect anything other than letting this be an outlet of my feelings and my thoughts. Maybe somebody will find enlightenment through my nonesense, maybe I will give people a different perspective that they have not seen before... Maybe nobody will ever read anything I post. Maybe next post will be a bit more optimistic... Maybe the Dark Lord will come and end it all... Maybe I'm rambling...

Glad to be here ladies and gentlemen. Please don't expect anything coherent from me.

I hate to come right out of the gate and start bitching about the war on Iraq, BUT I think there's a subtle irony in the fact that most of the missiles being used to level Baghdad are called "Tomahawks". That's a ballsy move, naming your missiles after a weapon of the people you stole your country from. And some of them are still alive. How much would it suck to be a Sioux that moved to Iraq (for reasons I can't even fathom) and was detonated by one of these missiles. There is a God, and he has a sense of humor. That's probably my final thought for the night.