Another wasted day. Man, if I would put to use all that I have, I could probably do a lot with my life. Oh well, I actually had something to say two minutes ago. I forgot though. Live has been uneventful. I'm trying to become less obsessive... I think it would be good for me and a few others. Have to do deffensive driving =( no good. It was only 19 over the speed limit... I guess it's better than the 130 I would have to pay otherwise. Umm.. reschedueled my LASIK appointment to Monday, the 12th because I didn't have a ride back home on my previous date. I've just decided that I'll pay whatever the difference is... Sucks ass, but I think grandparends are going to throw in. They best. I sure wish I could put a compound sentence together tonight. My brain just isn't processing that fast right now... guess it's time to sleep. g'night. sweet dreams of naked people.

So I'm in Albert Lea, Minnesota. I don't like it here. Any city that lobbies to get a pork processing plant located at its epicenter has very deep seeded fundamental problems. Especially when it already had a meat processing plant that burned down. I've also deduced that techno music of any kind does not lend well to writing. Dancing, yes. Um....I'm trying to think of other things, but coming up blank. Oh yeah, dancing. It's definately good for dancing. So I'm in Albert Lea, because I'm getting my wisdom teeth pulled this friday. I've only got a script for motrin 600, which sucks. I'm hoping to upgrade to tylenol III or vicoden or somesuch. I really can't wait to leave. It doesn't help that I don't smoke weed anymore, or I could get lost in the shitty videogames I rented (Wolverine's Revenge and Metal Dungeon, they're both really really bad, but Wolverine is barely playable. Metal dungeon is not playable for more than 2 minutes, if that.) Wolverine has nearly made me throw controllers though. The minefields in this game are not difficult, not fun, but merely ragingly homosexual. The minefields are so gay. SO GAY. And I only say that they are gay because every time I enter one I get fucked in the ass. Which I guess makes me gay too. I really hope the game I rent once I get my teeth pulled doesn't suck so much. I'm out.

So the other night, I took my cat for a walk. That's right. Me and my cat (spike) walked around the block. I have never heard of anything like that before, but my cat is pretty dogish.

Last night, I was online, after my vision came back... or maybe it wasn't, thats not important. I was online and this girl that I know from school signed on. I havn't talked to her in months... Of course the first thing out of my mouth (hands) is "You wouldn't want to have sex would you?" Obviously she didn't say yes because she didn't have my screen name.... ... ... Long story short, she said yes.

So today I went to the Optomologist. Got tested to see if I was elligble for LASIK surgury. THis was supposed to be my graduation prestent from my mom. First, I go down to get my eyes examined and they give me these eye drops that make your eyes super diialated. I CANT FOCJS ON ANTHING NEAR TO ME!!! I cant even see what im typing! Second. What the FUCK kind of graduation "present" is one that you have to fucking pay for? God, I'm soo pissed off and i have no reason whatsoever to be! She said she'd lay out 1200 for lasik. Seeing as i cant see for shit, the surgury is going to cost around 2800. I dont have 1400 fucking dollars. Ialreay owe my mom like 700. Thats not even counting the car, the insurance, and the outo collision repair bill. I think the only reason im pissed is because i had such high hopes. Every fucking time i get high hopes i get let down. I know how dangerous it is to get you'r hopes up, but she said she would pay for my graduation present. cunt whore. I'm not an angry person, but when i am... i get really pissed! and im really pissed. I suppose im more pissed at myself because i when against the expectation rule. Dont expect anything. But i try so hard to trus other peop, to get out into society. To get fucked. God i want to move to the desert. little house, eat lizards and coyotes and quail... but getting a cable modem piped that far would cost a lot of money.

I hate you all.

Come on everybody let's go to the show
Murder is fun because my daddy told me so
Grab a gun, grab a knife, even hands will do
Punch em like a mother fucker even rape a few

Fuck the righteous wave and ride the evil undertow
If blood is what you want embrace the demon glow
Grab a gun, grab a knife, even hands will do
You punch em like a mother fucker even rape a few

We are the villains
Sucker fish fuckers down in the sink
We are the aliens
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
We are the losers
Flushing our faces into the world

This is a sin fix
This is a sin fix

Now that we have seized you and pleased you
Come alive and murder your senses
Find yourself knee deep in the dead
Come alive and murder your senses
This is a sin fix
This is a sin fix

Come on everybody let's go to the show
Murder is fun because my daddy told me so
Grab a gun, grab a knife, even hands will do
Punch em like a mother fucker even rape a few

Fuck the righteous wave and ride the evil undertow
If blood is what you want embrace the demon glow
Grab a gun, grab a knife, even hands will do
You punch em like a mother fucker even rape a few

We are the villains
Sucker fish fuckers down in the sink
We are the aliens
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
We are the losers
Flushing our faces into the world
This is a sin fix
This is a sin fix

Now that we have sieged you and pleased you
Come alive and murder your senses
Find yourself knee deep in the dead
Come alive and murder your senses
This is a sin fix
This is a sin fix

Alright, quick update. As if people check up on this to check up on ol' JB. That's me, if you're confused. I did standup again on Saturday, at the Steaknife. I dislike telling people 'how it went.' Because that's the inevitable question when I see people after my act. I don't really know, honestly, I'm not in the audience. By the time I get around to performing the jokes, they're not really even funny to me anymore. One of these days I'll get around to recording my acts, but I'm gonna keep going with what I've been doing for now. Also, this time, before I went up, I was sure I was going to bomb.

I didn't bomb. It went rather well. I got laughs pretty much throughout the act, and my stage personality is slowly developing (like an autistic child. That's how it's developing, not what it is, you twit). About half of the people there were there to see me, I really did not expect such a huge response to me telling people "I'm doing standup this Friday." I'd feel better about my act if I had gotten laughs out of complete strangers, but I feel better about myself because so many people showed up. So with that kind of a diatribe going on in my brain, I guess I feel alot like I always do. Except that I have another solid comedy performance under my belt. I'm still amazed that so many people I know came to see me. They all said that it was 'pretty good' or 'pretty funny.' Whatever THAT fucking means. Oh well, I could bitch about anything (which I'm hoping is a good quality in a comedian, fuck, Dennis Miller got a career out of it.)

When I tell my dad about this he says the same thing. That's cool, I don't really expect him to say much. I do wish, though, that he'd wait until I accomplish something actually concrete before he says that he's 'proud of me.' Oh well, a relationship with a father that didn't raise you has all kinds of complications that I really don't want to go into. Except with my therapist. Which I don't have. He's said that he wishes he could've seen it. Yeah, well so do I. It's not a big deal though, we all do what we can.

I can't wait until I've got enough money to hire a bodyguard. Oh the jokes I would tell. I'm out.

Everything has changed. I learned some things today that I really wish I had not. Sometimes getting to know people is a bad thing. Wow. That put me in a really weird mood. I'd be really depressed if I wasn't so doped up on anti-depressants. I can feel it though. The battle between the medication and the depression. Rolling around inside me. Unfortunately I am the winning factor. My choice of mood, thoughts, actions will make one side or the other the victor. I'm very prone to let the depression win. It's quite comfortable. Dark and warm, like a thick blanket, wrapped around me just a little too tight, squeezing, binding, protecting me from the feelings of pleasure or happiness that I might experiance. Feelings that make me even more depressed because I don't know how to handle them, how to express them. Depression is such a warm and comfortable place. Sometimes it get's lonely, but letting anyone else it would remove that impenetrable shield/blanket/wall leaving you vulnerable to the harshness of reality.

Today, I'm not going to chose the depression!!! Fuck that. I can chose to be hostile and confused and hurt, but not depressed. Fuck a bunch of that. I have to be able to control my emotions; be able to deny my self the indulgance of being depressed. Today I will take a step forward, grow a little, leave the petty and the meaningless behind. Today I will strike out and my depression, beat it back to where ever the fuck it comes from. I can be strong, I have the will and the strength to overcome! Other people should not make me depressed. Sad? yes. Let down? a bit. But why go into hiding from somebody killing their self. Fuck this shit. I'm going to be strong today. Maybe, just mayby, this small step forward will lead to bigger things, and hopefully it will rub off on the people around me, show them that they dont have to live like that, not if they don't want to.
But that is the problem. Who would want to leave the comfort and security of depression? Who wants to give up everything they know and take a chance? Not many, thats who. But I have had a taste of the unknown. I have felt joy! JOY! Never before have I felt joy. Never before have I had the urge to continue life; continue to see what else there is to accomplish, what else there is to see. I feel that I've seen it all, but I'm not fooling myself anymore! There is much more to life then what I've 'seen.' I have seen things many other people have not, but that was all false, simply chemicals disrupting chemicals, chemicals changing perseption.
I feel empowered with this new view of life! I feel like I should spread it to others, to open their eyes... But, alas, I can not. All I can do is state my experiance, my strength, and my hope. Maybe somebody, some day, some where will catch a glimpse of what there is. Maybe that person will take a risk and leave her false security behind.

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him (her) drink.

I got 10 hours of sleep last night, it was wonderful! Today is working out to be a good day. Every other Friday (Fryday to all you acid heads) the company pays for our luch, us being the tech support (and backbone) of the company. Today it is starting to look like BBQ for lunch. A good day indeed.

I did end up taking a sleeping pill (temazepam) last night... I was so tired and worn out from yesterday that I went right to sleep and because of the sleeping pill, slept all night... even slept an hour late. But that's ok, it's only work.

I thought today was going to be a good day... for a while at least. I got to sleep last night by 11 o' clock! I was super happy. But as things usually go I woke up at 1:30 and couldn't get back to any real form of sleep. But now that today is over and I can go home, I opt to stay, to milk the clock. My head hurts, my eyes hurt, and my stomach hurts, but getting paid to surf the internet is not something to pass up. I missed my AA meeting last night, I think that could be part of why I'm feeling so crazy. AA grounds me for the next day, kinda like meditation, makes me feel lighter and less fucked up but I don't really want to go tonight cuz I feel shitty again... I guess I'll go anyways, I need it.

Well, I didn't take my temazepam last night because yesterday it kicked my ass all day long. I'm feeling a little bit better today, no nausea, well, thats about it... I'm still super tired and pretty irritable, but maybe because I didn't sleep because I didn't take my sleeping pill!!! GOD DAMN! I hate lose - lose situations. I believe Bart Simpson said it the best, "You're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't."

Lucky for me, my homicidal urges of last night have mostly gone away. I could just see myself answering the phones last night... boy, would I have been fired. Oh! And to top off this shitty morning my coffee cup has a fucking little slit in it, dripping ever so slowly. I want to go home. =(
Expect more from me today... it's going to be a long one.

I just don't think I was ment to sleep. Got some new sleepers. They put me to sleep alright, but they make me more tired during the day than if I had not slept. Guess you win some, you lose some.
I've been going fucking crazy today... my mind's going about 50 different directions and not passing through my normal "filters." Don't really know what the filter thing is, but I'm thinking things that I really don't usually think... at least not as seriously as I have been... I mean, I'm so not a violent person, but I just want to beat the fuck out of someone and fuck their lifeless corpse. Maybe that's going a bit far... maybe not. Nothing wrong with a little necrophilia now and then.

Well, the issue has come up again. I put it off because it wasn't an issue before, but it's becoming an issue again. This thursday, to be exact. I've been offered the opportunity to do psychedelic drugs again. Damn fate for tempting me. I've always liked psychedelics, and I have a real hard time saying no. I think I'm going to this time though. My life has been extremely unstable lately, and I'd like to get things rolling again before I fuck it up. Did I mention all of this goes out the window if someone gets a location on a quantity of peyote?

I'd eat that shit in half a minute. On that note, I'm signing out. Gotta work on the Comedy bit for Friday.

Hey everybody, its 420!

Who fucking cares. To all you stoners out there: drugs are bad for you. Actually, let me rephrase that... Drugs are bad for me. Unlike you lucky fuckers out there who can do drugs and function, I can't. When I'm using drugs I don't give a fuck about anyone, including myself, I sit around not doing shit all day, and I get really depressed. I know this sounds exactly like me when I'm sober, but believe me, it's about a thousand times worse. Anyways, if I could do drugs and still function in (or even out of) society, I would.

By the way... a simple day of a month is not a reason to get high. If you are going to get high, do it because life sucks. Thats all I have.

Last night, I had the strangest dream... 'I end up taking like 2 ambien so that maybe... just maybe I would get tired an go to sleep. I remember talking to my mom on the phone at about 11:30 and then deciding that I was going to go for a walk because I wasn't really tired. I remember slipping on my shoes and walking out the door... that's where things get a bit... hazy. Very vaguely I remember walking down the steps. The next thing I remember I'm sitting in the woods by my house, in the mud, hallucinating my ass off. The trees were deffinently shapes of people, or more like humanoids of some sort. I think the darkness was pooling into blobs and forming phosphorescent faces. I then adjusted my seat in the mud and had the far off thought that my shoes were untied. I remember talking to the "forms" I was seeing, I'm not completely sure, but I think that I might have been yelling. I asked the trees, "What do you want me to do?" a few times and everything blacks out from there until I have the slightest recollection of almost falling backwards while climbing up the steps to my door.'

This morning, my mom comes in and wakes me up, she asks me, "Where were you last night?" Obviously I was sleeping. She then tells me that when she came home the front door was open, my light was on in my room, and I was nowhere to be found. Perturbed, I tell her I don't know what she is talking about but that I had the strangest dream... Reaching down to scratch my knee, I realize that I'm wearing pants, odd, normally I sleep nude. Remvoing my comforter I see that I'm wearing blue jeans with mud on the knees and on my seat. Upon further investigation, I find muddy shoes and a few thorn pricks on my left hand. So I have come to the conclusion that ambien is bad for me.

Well, I'm back from standup. It was an altogether better experience than last time. Much more like a relaxing swim in the ocean than being devoured by a giant shark. I think I'm going to give up on memorizing stuff for now, because I always forget it in front of the crowd anyway. So that decision being made, I can spend less time memorizing the drivel, and alot more time writing. This delivery should work much better, mainly because I am already good at reading things, so require much less practice there. The joke that got the biggest laugh was in a bit about people who don't understand irony.

"Faggot Vegans. Because they eat meat."

I knew it was gold.

Anyway, back to the grindstone for next Friday.

Oh! I don't know if I told you, but I got my rotton.com t-shirt.

Imagine how much porn you could hold on 6 terabytes!! I think that's what my company should start doing... put all that damn space to good use!

Bad News: My sleeping pills don't put me to sleep.
Good News: They sure fuck me up!
I really don't like to get fucked up anymore. The thing is, is that I'm trying to get on a decent sleep schedule. I'm not very good about that, so I got my doctor to perscribe me Ambien. Last night I ended up taking 6! The first one at about 8pm and the last three at 3am. I'm kinda pissed. The pills make my body tired, but I'm usually tired so they don't do much there, and they do nothing for the 'racing thoughts' that keep me awake... On second thought, they do do something to my thoughts... I'll have to post some of the crazy shit I wrote last night while I was reformatting my computer. Fucking crazy, incoherent ramble.
With that being said, it's back to work for me!

I'm planning on doing standup again this Friday. My set should last between one and two minutes. All the jokes are incredibly short, which I'm hoping goes better than the longer, wittier, and altogether higher quality versions I tried last time. I've got it mostly memorized already, so I figure I'll put another hour into it tomorrow, then be good to go.

Played some basketball last night. I know what you're thinking. "Oh great, you got some exercise, you pathetic fuck." No, it wasn't great. It wasn't great at all. I took an elbow to my lip and almost lost some teeth. I took a chunk out of my lip courtesy of someone's elbow and my two front teeth. Did you know you can swallow a pint of blood before you get sick?

So as a result of my swollen lip, I'm thinking about not doing standup on Friday. I dunno, if it gets much bigger, talking will be difficult. I know many, many people will be dissapointed if I don't show. That, and the terrorists win. So I'm gonna try.

I'm fucking tired.

Well, since the main poster of this site has not only had his computer access restricted, but been prescribed sleeping pills, I'm ready to help fill the void. With what you ask? My throbbing manhood, of course. Um, I don't really have anything to say, except I just got a download accellerator for kazzaa, and I'm already liking it. It basically goes through the moronic function of updating sources for you. You set the refresh time, and go to sleep. Wake up with a new variety of porno to peruse. You can check it out here. I'm sure you can find it somehow, you bastards. With that, I'm out.

It's naked time!

Well, I took my sleeping pill three hours ago... I'm still awake! Guess thats what happens when you are a Hoss. Guess I'll go take another one, maybe then I can get some sleep before I have to wake up and go to work. G'night ladies and gentlemen.

So, in my mom's futile attempts to control my addictions, she has imposed a new law.
None shall be on the computer after 11pm... None but me.
Fucking bitch. I really fucking hate when she tries to run my life, tells me how much time on the computer I can have because it's not healty for me. What she doesn't understand is that I have an addictive personality. Anything I do, and enjoy doing, I will do to an extreme. When I did drugs, I did that to an extreme, when I was in to school, I did that to an extreme, when I get on the computer, I do that all the time because I have don't have shit else to do. Fucking bitch.

On a lighter note, Doc finally perscribed me sleeping pills, Ambian to be exact. Now, instead of putting up with her bullshit, I can go to sleep. Fucking Bitch.

Hockey Riots in Minneapolis last Saturday. I was there, as your Cephaladon Studios correspondant. Many a car was flipped and torched. I doubt if any garbage recepticles in the University of Minnesota area survived the night. What a good time. It almost seemed like a good, ol' fashioned sports related riot, in the European sense, until people started chanting "U S A!" That ruined the illusion for me. Only in America would people chant the name of a their country while dismantling the very government they are promoting by their words. I don't think any mob anywhere else in the world would chant FOR the country that their ripping out of the ground and burning in the middle of the street while they're doing the ripping and burning. Cognitive dissonance is the American Way. Well, what do you want from a country that was founded by an elite group of landholding slaveowners who claimed "all men are created equal." Could I possibly attain gainful employment by merely pointing out the ironies of American life? I think that's my dream job. And while they may look comely wearing riot gear, policemen in a riot situation are not extremely conversational. You're more likely to end up with a face full of liquid fire and more bruises than you started the day with than a conversation on how safe the streets are.

Also, when a chick at the other end of a 900 number says she'll call you back. She's lying and just doesn't like you. Pay attention, some of us have to learn these things the hard way.

What is precision? THIS is precision!

Well, the problem was not my network card... For some damn reason Comcast has our account on hold. Fuckers made me go steal my sister's network card... Oh well.

Ok, ladies and gentlemen, havn't posted in a few days because my fucking LAN card decided to quit working. Luckily I have the internet at work and can do shit here... Unfortunately, this is my last day of work so I'm going to have to go buy a screwdriver. That's right, a screwdriver. I have an extra LAN card laying around, mocking me, laughing at me, but I have no fucking screwdriver and no knife/key/small metal pointy thing to fit the damn screw. The weird thing is my sister's LAN card died about 2 days before mine... both are fairly new (under 2 years) and it seems a bit fishy for them to go out at about the same time. I'm thinking that maybe AT&T fucked with the current or something. But anyways, I'm going to go go home tonight and use my non-existant finger nails or my tongue or something to get the damn screw out because I'm an internet addict. It's not that I really surf the 'net very often, but I need to be connected to AIM, and to be able to play online games, it's like 90% of my social interaction. GRRR. I stayed up here at work until 3:45am last night playing X-Box on a rather large projector screen that the company has. HA! I even get paid for it! At least I have the internet while I'm up here. I'll just have to pack in 12 internet hours in the 5 that I'm at work. Speaking of the 5 hours that I'm here, I want to bitch about that. I only get to work from 5-10pm, Saturday and Sunday night. The person before me works from 7am - 5pm and the person after me works from 10pm - 7am. I'm just getting shafted. I'm gonna have to talk to me boss to get some more hours in... especially weekend hours. Anyways, for all you folks out there that just arn't getting any, remember that masturbation can be just as good or even better than sex, depending on the other person(s).

I'm skipping standup at the Steaknife tonight. I'm not insinuating that anyone cares by stating this, but I talk about my bowel movements on this weblog, so I think that audience apathy is implied in general. I've got about 30 pages of pure shit I'm going to look through tonight, and try to mix and match and form an act I can memorize and then go next week. I hate subjecting my printer and ink cartridges to this, but if you wanna make an omelette...

Also. Whoever is tagging Trista's blog under my name can stop. Seriously, it's not funny. I have ideas as to who it is, and you need to not be such an idiot.

Anyway, I'm gonna go get my eat on.

Slow day at work today. Usually got all sorts of problems this early in the morning. I guess cause its Friday... people don't want to fuck shit up like they normally do, and believe me, they try to fuck it up. In case you don't know, I do tech support for far to little money in a company that's struggling pretty hard. Luckily though, it's internal tech suppot meaning only people in this company call in so I only have to deal with a set amount (about 400) of morons. Thank the gods that not all these people are as stupid as my 10 year old cousin. I only really have to deal with about 100 people on a regular basis, and man, are they ever dumb! I mean, you think people would try doing something, anything, to solve a problem when it occurs... wrong! I swear, when their computer is running multiple programs they call in because it's running slow. I don't know... to quote the great Randal from Clerks... "This job would be great if it wasn't for all the fucking customers."

"Take a ride, inside my eye, and this is what you will like-ly find."

So I was reading Miss Trista's blog and I started thinking about plagiarism. Why do people do it? Well, I suppose that I know the answer to that, because people want others to think they are smart, especially when they really arn't. I know I used to plagiarize back in my highschool days so I didn't have to actually write stuff out. Yeah, I was a BIG copy/paste fan. Most the stuff I really didn't care if it sounded good, I just wanted to get a grade other than the zero I would normally get for not doing it. I mean, it's really simple to not get caught, copy/paste, dumb-it-up, and make sure not to put that website in the bibliography. You may ask, "What's the point? Where are you going with this?" Honestly, I'm not going anywhere with this, I'm just trying to milk the clock here at work and I am incredibly bored. So I think that I will find something else to ramble about because plagiarism is dumb.

Let's talk about Nate's diarrhea. On second thought, lets not...

I know! This damn time change! All you people in Indiana and Arizona are some lucky fuckers. Having to get up an hour early sucks. Now the autumn time change is really great, get to sleep an extra hour, it gets dark earlier, and all sorts of good stuff. Makes me miss the wintertime already. I love winter! It's all cold and dark and dreary... just the way I like it. I miss the snow... ... ... I don't really, I live in Texas and don't actually get any snow. But I used to live in Michigan and, boy, do I know snow. I remember making 'forts' in the snow. Digging under the rather large banks that the road-scraper-salter-things would leave, I could get quite the tunnel system going. Here in Texas it only ices. And when it does ice, all of Texas shuts down. And I mean completely. It's really quite humorous. Businesses close, nobody goes on the roads, everything just shuts down. But then again, my work is one of those places that closes down, so I guess it's not that bad. Speaking of work, I think I'm ready to go home, got an extra half-hour in and if I leave now I will make it just in time for my AA meeting. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

Here's what I have on the sex bit so far.

One thing that really freaks chicks out is when you’re having sex to music, and you start singing along. I’ve never met a girl that can just keep going when you do this. Like having sex to weeezer, and you’re all, “Suzanne, you’re all that I wanted of a girl…” Sublime, “Uhh! And the girls caress me down.” O fortuna, or In the hall of the mountain king. This next one doesn’t really apply to heterosexual relationships, but how about Cher, “Do you believe in life after love?!” You gotta say it like you mean it.

I need better songs for examples. Hit the tagboard or link section to let me know.

Also, thanks to a hearty dose of red-orange diarrhea, Matt is on his way out of China. He's camoflaged with everything they have there, it was a beautiful scheme, if I do say so my self. And I do say so. All praise goes to the salsa I had a few days ago.

So anyway. I'm working on a bit about sex right now. Unlike most of my comedy, which I try to keep away from the site (Mainly because I'd like to keep the log original, and not just another avenue for me to recycle content through.) I'm going to post it once it's finished. That should happen tomorrow. If anyone can think of good songs to have sex to (or at least humorous ones) hit it up on the tagboard or drop me a line via the convenient links we have to the right.

On another note, I registered for summer classes yesterday. I'm taking a three week class on Cohen Brothers movies and two summer classes, one on writing fiction and one on american literature. Having fun with my radar gun. I also applied for a stocking position at Target serving freedom fries all over the southland. It feels good to be doing things again.

Speaking of things. I ate an entire bottle of hot salsa yesterday, and I'm shitting liquid fire today. I really need to stay away from the mexicans. The nice thing about diarrhea is you get a tiny christmas every hour or so. The greatest part is that my shit is almost red, so it helps with the christmas spirit on my end.

I think I just figured out how to help Matt escape from China...

Ok, who loves GENOCIDE!?

Man, I have a headache

THIS BIG.

Already took some Ibuprofen, tried to sleep, drank some water... but to no avail. If anybody has any good remedies that work and don't include drugs and alcohol, post it on the tag board. Biazitch

For those who just love their widdle kitty so much...check out this pretty kitty.

Ok guys, we need your help! We need to help get Matt out of China... again. Please send all donations to: Save Matt
809 S. Heritage Pkwy
Allen, Texas 75002
We are excepting: cash, check, credit card numbers, plane tickets, spy equipment, chinese flags, newly born babies (alive), "Speak Chinese" tapes, chinese dictionaries, fire arms, ammunition, anything red, advice, and cookies. Also, any naked pictures of yourself should be sent to superjed666@hotmail.com with Cephaladon Studios in the subject line. Thank you, and please hurry.

P.S. Please thank Jon for our new forums. THANK YOU, JON!

oh wait, nobody's going to post...

China

Everything here is red. They wash the walls in the blood of political prisoners and babies murdered to keep the population low. The confines of my small hotel room are brown and flaking. Please send help. And cookies.

Arrrrr! I do be a pirate tonight, matey.

Whew, bedtime. A few things before I make the trip to slumberland though. A few things need to stop on this website. I think the self-depricating humor involving the status of our 'hit' situation needs to stop. Nobody will take us seriously before we do. Our message needs to be heard! Let's see, everything else that needs to change requires me learning more HTML, so we're gonna wait on that. Man, I've got bad gas.

Alright, time for an update. The standup on Friday night went horribly. Absolutely horrible. I suppose I overestimated the patience of the "drunken open-mic at a bar" crowd, because I didn't even get to my first joke. Bunch of fucking ingrates. I'm working on a new act, composed entirely of one-liners and bad transitions. I'm also going to make some of my friends show up (if I had any) so that someone will still be listening to me by the time I get to a punchline. On the plus side, I did treat myself to 2 dozen krispy kreme doughnuts, and I've been farting to end the millenia. According to our tagboard, people have visited the site. I don't buy it. Matt, stop pretending to be a shy girl posting on our website, you degenerate fuck.

So, shark attacks aside, I think that Friday night was one of the worst experiences of my young life. You guys know that dream, where you're naked in school and everyone is laughing at you. You know how good you feel when you wake up, and realize that it didn't really happen? Well, a failed stand up act is kind of like that, except you don't get to wake up. After I got off the stage, one of the guys at the bar asked me if I was going to hang out. I shook my head and laughed. It'll be at least 3 weeks before I can show my face in that place again. By then, maybe they've forgotten what an incredibly small penis I've got.

Ok, I've gotta take a shit. All that's coming out of me is from Wendy's, Taco Bell, and Krispy Kreme, so it should be colorful at the very least. Keep whoring yourself out to get us hits Jed. Yay for AIDS!

On that note I'm the best kind of evil around. I don't think anyone who knows me can argue with this one. Go minions, GO!

::Sigh:: I really need to get a sleep scheduel (looks like its spelled wrong) going. I have the hardest time going to sleep on wednesday night to get up at 7:30 am. Maybe one day I'll get it back... maybe I won't. Oh well, I'll live on none the less. G'night ladies and gentlemen.

"One intestine, Two intestine, Three, My girls got guts her guts gots me. Take em in the back room, use em as a broom, when I'm out driving my girl's guts go vroom vroom vroom. Cuz when I'm in a race and I need to be in first place, her guts they kinda take me to the proper place."

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Ok, so I'm still at work and really bored. So I go looking for things to do, starting with searching for 'evil'. To make a long story short I found out that I just happened to be:

I'm sitting here at work and I realize just how cool my job is. First, I have time to do my blog and get paid for it without not working. Second, during the weekend, I get paid to "watch" the servers. That's right, I get paid to watch inanimate objects, to make sure they don't run off or spontaniously combust. Third, during the week, my main job is to answer the phones, help people out with their computer problems, and if I can't, open a "trouble ticket" for someone who can. There's more, like the cool people that I work with, the fact that the company pays for our lunch on Fridays (I only work Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday), and our job consists of doing what we like to do: fucking with other peoples' computers. Unfortunately I'm only making $8/hour, which really isn't much at all considering the job. I'm thinking about getting a new job but the IT industry is all-the-fucked-up right now, so I should stick with it for a while longer; plus, I've been working here for a little over a year, I think it's about damn time for a raise.

So I'm doing standup at an open mic night in less than 12 hours. I'm kinda nervous, but I'm banking on 2 things. 1) Expectations from some guy just going up on stage are generally low. 2) This open mic night is held at a place where alcoholic beverages are consumed. Two points for the collective! I'm going to post some of the material that didn't make the cut into my act, cuz I don't want to be original right now.

I think one of the fundamental differences between men and women is their definition of love. Women seem to be looking for fairytale love, the kind that doesn’t exist. Where a guy’s gonna meet you and pay for dinner and drinks and then take you back to his apartment, and not fondle you in the car and have sex with you with a condom on and not blow his load in your face. You know... chivalry. Guys, on the other end, just want 2 things in a woman, someone that they can stand to fuck, and someone that they can stand to listen to.

Snow is the worst thing mother nature ever conceived of. Horrible. It’s just patient rain, that’s all it is. Rain that waits until you’re inside to get you wet. And it doesn’t clean things like rain does, it just collects in the most repugnant, filthy congealed messes of pavement waiting for some poor soul to think it’s ice and step in it. Splosh. Fucking gutter snow acts like an office temp with a bad attitude, like it's just pissed about it's elongated step in the precipitation cycle.

Alright gang, I'm gonna try to memorize my shit and maybe eat some doughnuts. If you read the site, please, please, post on the tagboard. We get so lonely.

Guess I'll try adding a tag board, if blogger didn't take so god damn long to update, it would be a lot easier... Now maybe we can tell if anybody actually visits this site... if you do, you can flame and condem us me all you want without ever leaving the webpage. Isn't technology GRRRREAT!?

For some reason, I called in sick to work today. I don't really know why, but by the time I called I had already caught every bug psychosomaticly. It's been a long time since I've called in to work sick, even longer when I'm not sick... In fact, I don't believe I ever have... Bad shit, this is what I used to do to school, I can't start that up for work or I'll lose my job in no time.

On a lighter note, I got a book in the mail today! Marquis de Sade's The 120 Days in Sodom. Now if any of you know what that is, which I highly doubt, I am reading it for informational purposes only. For those of you that don't know, you can go here to read some of it, or all of it if you have the stomach for it. But beware, this book is not for the feint of heart or the sane of mind. Seriously folks, most people would probably try to hang me for reading it. Luckily the days of lynching are over, so now I only have to worry about getting shot. You win some, you lose some... (or in my case you lose them all.)

I'm working on material for this friday, and I'm starting to think I might not get booed (Does that word even HAVE a spelling?) off stage. Nice news link stolen from Matt right..... here. It's about the new expanded powers of the glorious Fourth Reich. Uh oh, I think references to Nazi Germany might be against the law. If the site goes down and I disappear, at least you'll know why. That's probably my final thought.

Sometimes I just want to flay the flesh from random people walking down the street.

Boy did I make a mistake tonight! I fucking ate at Denny's. Now I know some of you are wondering what's the mistake there? You have obviously never eaten any food from Denny's. Every time I eat there, which is about once every two years, I get pretty sick. So far I'm doing ok, except for the headache, sour stomach, constant retching, and double vision, that is.

So our moral for tonight: Don't eat food from Denny's.

Thank you.