Everything has changed. I learned some things today that I really wish I had not. Sometimes getting to know people is a bad thing. Wow. That put me in a really weird mood. I'd be really depressed if I wasn't so doped up on anti-depressants. I can feel it though. The battle between the medication and the depression. Rolling around inside me. Unfortunately I am the winning factor. My choice of mood, thoughts, actions will make one side or the other the victor. I'm very prone to let the depression win. It's quite comfortable. Dark and warm, like a thick blanket, wrapped around me just a little too tight, squeezing, binding, protecting me from the feelings of pleasure or happiness that I might experiance. Feelings that make me even more depressed because I don't know how to handle them, how to express them. Depression is such a warm and comfortable place. Sometimes it get's lonely, but letting anyone else it would remove that impenetrable shield/blanket/wall leaving you vulnerable to the harshness of reality.

Today, I'm not going to chose the depression!!! Fuck that. I can chose to be hostile and confused and hurt, but not depressed. Fuck a bunch of that. I have to be able to control my emotions; be able to deny my self the indulgance of being depressed. Today I will take a step forward, grow a little, leave the petty and the meaningless behind. Today I will strike out and my depression, beat it back to where ever the fuck it comes from. I can be strong, I have the will and the strength to overcome! Other people should not make me depressed. Sad? yes. Let down? a bit. But why go into hiding from somebody killing their self. Fuck this shit. I'm going to be strong today. Maybe, just mayby, this small step forward will lead to bigger things, and hopefully it will rub off on the people around me, show them that they dont have to live like that, not if they don't want to.
But that is the problem. Who would want to leave the comfort and security of depression? Who wants to give up everything they know and take a chance? Not many, thats who. But I have had a taste of the unknown. I have felt joy! JOY! Never before have I felt joy. Never before have I had the urge to continue life; continue to see what else there is to accomplish, what else there is to see. I feel that I've seen it all, but I'm not fooling myself anymore! There is much more to life then what I've 'seen.' I have seen things many other people have not, but that was all false, simply chemicals disrupting chemicals, chemicals changing perseption.
I feel empowered with this new view of life! I feel like I should spread it to others, to open their eyes... But, alas, I can not. All I can do is state my experiance, my strength, and my hope. Maybe somebody, some day, some where will catch a glimpse of what there is. Maybe that person will take a risk and leave her false security behind.

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him (her) drink.