So I'm doing standup at an open mic night in less than 12 hours. I'm kinda nervous, but I'm banking on 2 things. 1) Expectations from some guy just going up on stage are generally low. 2) This open mic night is held at a place where alcoholic beverages are consumed. Two points for the collective! I'm going to post some of the material that didn't make the cut into my act, cuz I don't want to be original right now.

I think one of the fundamental differences between men and women is their definition of love. Women seem to be looking for fairytale love, the kind that doesn’t exist. Where a guy’s gonna meet you and pay for dinner and drinks and then take you back to his apartment, and not fondle you in the car and have sex with you with a condom on and not blow his load in your face. You know... chivalry. Guys, on the other end, just want 2 things in a woman, someone that they can stand to fuck, and someone that they can stand to listen to.

Snow is the worst thing mother nature ever conceived of. Horrible. It’s just patient rain, that’s all it is. Rain that waits until you’re inside to get you wet. And it doesn’t clean things like rain does, it just collects in the most repugnant, filthy congealed messes of pavement waiting for some poor soul to think it’s ice and step in it. Splosh. Fucking gutter snow acts like an office temp with a bad attitude, like it's just pissed about it's elongated step in the precipitation cycle.

Alright gang, I'm gonna try to memorize my shit and maybe eat some doughnuts. If you read the site, please, please, post on the tagboard. We get so lonely.