Jul 24, 2005
Jul 15, 2005
Do you own a company? Do you have motivation problems? Do you wish your employees were just a little more productive?
Do you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning?
Do you feel that life, sometimes, just isn't worth it?
Well, recognize your potential!
All of your answers are here.
Be sure to check out their posters at the bottom of the page. A new wall-mounted, life changing system. Developed exclusively for Cephaladon Studios!
At Cephaladon Studios, we heartily recommend the posters which espouse these issues:
Power
Blame
Planning
Leaders
Potential
Success
Teamwork.
And many, MANY more.
---
Legal Disclaimer: Cephaladon Studios is, in no way whatsoever, affliated with despair.com. I just think they make a fine product, and so I have presented their link like I've been paid to sell it.
Besides, people fucking HATE motivation posters, don't they?
Do you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning?
Do you feel that life, sometimes, just isn't worth it?
Well, recognize your potential!
All of your answers are here.
Be sure to check out their posters at the bottom of the page. A new wall-mounted, life changing system. Developed exclusively for Cephaladon Studios!
At Cephaladon Studios, we heartily recommend the posters which espouse these issues:
Power
Blame
Planning
Leaders
Potential
Success
Teamwork.
And many, MANY more.
---
Legal Disclaimer: Cephaladon Studios is, in no way whatsoever, affliated with despair.com. I just think they make a fine product, and so I have presented their link like I've been paid to sell it.
Besides, people fucking HATE motivation posters, don't they?
Jul 6, 2005
I'm posting something much more to read it later myself, than for other people to find enjoyment. This is not for you. You are not special. This is for me, so if you don't like it, use the back button on your browser. Oh, and thanks for stopping by. And, FUCK YOU! This is mine.
Anyway, I haven't worked on my screenplay in a while, but I've been wanting to. The problem I'm having is how the characters get from the beginning to the end of the story. It's a simple problem of a plot arc, if we want to talk like we know how stories "should" be told. In a modern day story, a character begins the story, then undergoes some kind of conflict, from within or without, then learns from this conflict. That's how every story is created.
It helps to have a love interest. False emotions within your audience will lend them towards liking your movie more, if a heterosexual coupling is completed at some point during your screenplay. Why this happens, I really don't know. It could be that, you know, genetically, that's *why* we're here, or it could be that it just makes us happy to imagine perfection.
Anyway, I'm falling into a cognitive trap where I write for a reader (My target audience, however, is always myself, so fuck off you bastards.)
This is where I start putting in ideas for the script:
The interesting thing about the characters, Jack and Seth, is how impassive they both are. The difference between them is that Jack reacts to everything he thinks about with anger, while Seth doesn't react unless he is interacted with.
Seth is driving, Jack sits in the passenger seat, fidgeting, trying to see in all directions at the same time.
Jack (pointing at the dashboard panel): Dude, engine light's on.
Seth: So it is...
Jack: Does that mean anything unpleasant? I was raised to believe that the engine light being on was a bad thing.
Seth: It could be.
Jack: Well, are we going to get stranded in the middle of buttfuck Suburbs? I live in the city man, I don't know how to get home WALKING.
Seth: I don't know, give it another minute.
Jack: Do you have any idea how fat I am? I can't walk home. (seth doesn't respond) I mean, when you go on a ride with someone, there's a certain expectation that you will be given a ride home. I was fucking depending on you man. What the fuck!? Oh, I see how it is, the silent treatment, well fuck you too. (Jack crosses his arms and stares straight ahead.)
They both stare straight ahead at the camera for several seconds. Jack turns on the radio and turns it up loud.(then Jack could hear a campy song he likes and start singing along obnoxiously, or he could quietly groove) Seth turns the radio down to a reasonable level. Jack stops enjoying it.
There is a seven second, awkward pause.
Jack: You know, maybe nothing's wrong.
(Seth says nothing. Jack turns from looking at Seth to staring straight ahead.)
Three second awkward pause, then the radio cuts out.
Both characters look panicked, then relax over a few seconds. As soon as they have relaxed.
The car breaks.
Seth: FUCK! My fucking car.
Jack: Jesus, I'm sorry.
Cut to a shot of traffic speeding by.
Seth: Fuck you, what is this sorry shit? FUCK. What the fuck did you do?
Jack: This wasn't my fault.
Seth: Then what the fuck are you apologizing for? What's your fucking problem?
Jack: Fine, I take it back. I did jinx it though.
Seth: That doesn't... nevermind. (Grips the steering wheel, trying to contain himself.) FUCK! (completely calm) Okay, let's see what we're dealing with.
They exit the car.
VO: Please step away from the vehicle.
Jack: What? (he turns) Oh fuck.
Cut to a shot of a police officer.
Wimble: I said, "Please step away from the vehicle."
Seth steps away from the vehicle. Jack takes a step backward, then realizes he moved parallel to the vehicle, and takes a step directly away.
Jack: More than one step?
Wimble: Why don't you boys just come over here, and present me with your license and registration.
---
Plot sketch in progress.
Anyway, I haven't worked on my screenplay in a while, but I've been wanting to. The problem I'm having is how the characters get from the beginning to the end of the story. It's a simple problem of a plot arc, if we want to talk like we know how stories "should" be told. In a modern day story, a character begins the story, then undergoes some kind of conflict, from within or without, then learns from this conflict. That's how every story is created.
It helps to have a love interest. False emotions within your audience will lend them towards liking your movie more, if a heterosexual coupling is completed at some point during your screenplay. Why this happens, I really don't know. It could be that, you know, genetically, that's *why* we're here, or it could be that it just makes us happy to imagine perfection.
Anyway, I'm falling into a cognitive trap where I write for a reader (My target audience, however, is always myself, so fuck off you bastards.)
This is where I start putting in ideas for the script:
The interesting thing about the characters, Jack and Seth, is how impassive they both are. The difference between them is that Jack reacts to everything he thinks about with anger, while Seth doesn't react unless he is interacted with.
Seth is driving, Jack sits in the passenger seat, fidgeting, trying to see in all directions at the same time.
Jack (pointing at the dashboard panel): Dude, engine light's on.
Seth: So it is...
Jack: Does that mean anything unpleasant? I was raised to believe that the engine light being on was a bad thing.
Seth: It could be.
Jack: Well, are we going to get stranded in the middle of buttfuck Suburbs? I live in the city man, I don't know how to get home WALKING.
Seth: I don't know, give it another minute.
Jack: Do you have any idea how fat I am? I can't walk home. (seth doesn't respond) I mean, when you go on a ride with someone, there's a certain expectation that you will be given a ride home. I was fucking depending on you man. What the fuck!? Oh, I see how it is, the silent treatment, well fuck you too. (Jack crosses his arms and stares straight ahead.)
They both stare straight ahead at the camera for several seconds. Jack turns on the radio and turns it up loud.(then Jack could hear a campy song he likes and start singing along obnoxiously, or he could quietly groove) Seth turns the radio down to a reasonable level. Jack stops enjoying it.
There is a seven second, awkward pause.
Jack: You know, maybe nothing's wrong.
(Seth says nothing. Jack turns from looking at Seth to staring straight ahead.)
Three second awkward pause, then the radio cuts out.
Both characters look panicked, then relax over a few seconds. As soon as they have relaxed.
The car breaks.
Seth: FUCK! My fucking car.
Jack: Jesus, I'm sorry.
Cut to a shot of traffic speeding by.
Seth: Fuck you, what is this sorry shit? FUCK. What the fuck did you do?
Jack: This wasn't my fault.
Seth: Then what the fuck are you apologizing for? What's your fucking problem?
Jack: Fine, I take it back. I did jinx it though.
Seth: That doesn't... nevermind. (Grips the steering wheel, trying to contain himself.) FUCK! (completely calm) Okay, let's see what we're dealing with.
They exit the car.
VO: Please step away from the vehicle.
Jack: What? (he turns) Oh fuck.
Cut to a shot of a police officer.
Wimble: I said, "Please step away from the vehicle."
Seth steps away from the vehicle. Jack takes a step backward, then realizes he moved parallel to the vehicle, and takes a step directly away.
Jack: More than one step?
Wimble: Why don't you boys just come over here, and present me with your license and registration.
---
Plot sketch in progress.
Jul 3, 2005
The attempt at a fantasy story has been removed.
And the people rejoiced... Yaaay.
Thank you for rejoicing, and thank you for not telling me this story was good.
Because it was bad. I have decided that, and now it has forever been lost to the void.
Let's have a moment of silence for the story that, because of my slow wit, just couldn't make it.
Okay, that's enough silence.
It was just a fucking story.
What? Are you crazy?
And the people rejoiced... Yaaay.
Thank you for rejoicing, and thank you for not telling me this story was good.
Because it was bad. I have decided that, and now it has forever been lost to the void.
Let's have a moment of silence for the story that, because of my slow wit, just couldn't make it.
Okay, that's enough silence.
It was just a fucking story.
What? Are you crazy?
I realized I haven't been posting jokes lately. Then I thought: Who gives a shit? Then I got bored. Long story short, here is a joke or two that I've written recently.
Now, I'd like to talk about cows, or as I call them around my vegetarian friends: The milk trees.
---
I love reality television. Calm down, calm down. Let me explain. The thing I love about reality television is that it shows us how really, really stupid people breed. I know you're thinking, "Hey Nate, who gives a shit?" But I think it's important information. We HAVE to know how stupid people breed. Why? Well, because one day, someone is gonna have to stop them. Or at least, slow 'em down a little. And you can't just walk up to each of them and say,
"HEY! Stop it! Stop fucking, we're running out of stuff. Like what? Um, you know, stuff, like food... and stuff."
I tried that, and it didn't work. Yeah, maybe I was a little less than articulate, but if you can't just look around and SEE that we're running out of space on this fucking rock, then nothing I can do will bring you around.
---
Those are the jokes. The second one is still being re-written, but the body of the joke is about reality TV and stupid people fucking, and how it's going to be helpful further down the line to understand the retarded fornicators. In order to be able to stop them, so we don't all choke to death, together.
Because, honestly, I don't want to die with those assholes.
Now, I'd like to talk about cows, or as I call them around my vegetarian friends: The milk trees.
---
I love reality television. Calm down, calm down. Let me explain. The thing I love about reality television is that it shows us how really, really stupid people breed. I know you're thinking, "Hey Nate, who gives a shit?" But I think it's important information. We HAVE to know how stupid people breed. Why? Well, because one day, someone is gonna have to stop them. Or at least, slow 'em down a little. And you can't just walk up to each of them and say,
"HEY! Stop it! Stop fucking, we're running out of stuff. Like what? Um, you know, stuff, like food... and stuff."
I tried that, and it didn't work. Yeah, maybe I was a little less than articulate, but if you can't just look around and SEE that we're running out of space on this fucking rock, then nothing I can do will bring you around.
---
Those are the jokes. The second one is still being re-written, but the body of the joke is about reality TV and stupid people fucking, and how it's going to be helpful further down the line to understand the retarded fornicators. In order to be able to stop them, so we don't all choke to death, together.
Because, honestly, I don't want to die with those assholes.
MTV makes me want to smoke crack.
I watched, "Pimp My Ride" last night. Yeah, for the first time, and I'm sorry. Why am I sorry? Well, lots of reasons. I'm sorry if me watching "Pimp My Ride" destroys your vision of me. I'm sorry I contributed to the show's ratings. I'm sorry that people want their rides "Pimped." I'm sorry that mindlessness is spreading through our species at an alarming rate.
I'm sorry that I'm human, mostly because I'm ashamed to belong to the race of creature that decided MTV was a good idea.
So I guess what I want to say is this:
Dear MTV, Xzibit, and producers of "Pimp My Ride":
My name is Nate, and I'm a 21 year-old, white male who lives in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Under no circumstances whatsoever, are you to contemplate "pimping" my ride. I don't want to "Step off the sidelines and become a player." I don't want the super sweet shit you guys seem to have in abundance, and I don't want to be on your show.
If you touch my "ride," I will rub my testicles on your collective lips for all time, amen.
Also, I disagree with the premise, intent, and application of your television program. I encountered it on a channel which is incorrectly known as "Music Television". There was very little music in your show, and all of it was used to instigate false emotions within the lower creatures that watch your program.
In summary: I don't need a playstation and a 34 inch Television permanently tuned to MTV in my vehicle. I don't want Xzibit within twenty meters of my vehicle. Please, leave my "ride" the fuck alone.
Nate
PS: I know your audience has a short attention span, but I think you guys could use the title of your show a little less during the show itself.
Also... I think that simple, suburbanite, pasty white kids are doing just fine co-opting black culture on their own. You don't need to help them, or make them feel good about it. Because it's not cool, it's not their culture, and they're just realizing that everything their parents believe in is empty and meaningless. Let's let them kill themselves when they have this realization, alright? Really, it's for the best.
I watched, "Pimp My Ride" last night. Yeah, for the first time, and I'm sorry. Why am I sorry? Well, lots of reasons. I'm sorry if me watching "Pimp My Ride" destroys your vision of me. I'm sorry I contributed to the show's ratings. I'm sorry that people want their rides "Pimped." I'm sorry that mindlessness is spreading through our species at an alarming rate.
I'm sorry that I'm human, mostly because I'm ashamed to belong to the race of creature that decided MTV was a good idea.
So I guess what I want to say is this:
Dear MTV, Xzibit, and producers of "Pimp My Ride":
My name is Nate, and I'm a 21 year-old, white male who lives in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Under no circumstances whatsoever, are you to contemplate "pimping" my ride. I don't want to "Step off the sidelines and become a player." I don't want the super sweet shit you guys seem to have in abundance, and I don't want to be on your show.
If you touch my "ride," I will rub my testicles on your collective lips for all time, amen.
Also, I disagree with the premise, intent, and application of your television program. I encountered it on a channel which is incorrectly known as "Music Television". There was very little music in your show, and all of it was used to instigate false emotions within the lower creatures that watch your program.
In summary: I don't need a playstation and a 34 inch Television permanently tuned to MTV in my vehicle. I don't want Xzibit within twenty meters of my vehicle. Please, leave my "ride" the fuck alone.
Nate
PS: I know your audience has a short attention span, but I think you guys could use the title of your show a little less during the show itself.
Also... I think that simple, suburbanite, pasty white kids are doing just fine co-opting black culture on their own. You don't need to help them, or make them feel good about it. Because it's not cool, it's not their culture, and they're just realizing that everything their parents believe in is empty and meaningless. Let's let them kill themselves when they have this realization, alright? Really, it's for the best.
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