I've finally decided that I don't care about how much money I make. I no longer want to be an extradition lawyer in Columbia, doing copious amounts of cocaine with my crimelord clients while discussing how to keep the US government off their back. I've decided that I don't really care about choosing the 'right' career; something that will let me 'live up' to my potential in the eyes of my family and friends. I've also realized that I probably will go my entire life without being appreciated. That's fine. I'm not original, smart, or motivated enough to really make an impact on the world, and I'm fine with that. To put it in the words of a mediocre musician, "All we are is dust in the wind."
Well, now that I've built up the expectation of my own decision, you're probably wondering exactly what it is. I've decided to be a comedian, and by that I mean, "Waiting tables, and never being capable of supporting a family." A few things that I haven't mentioned have helped me reach this decision. Mainly that all that which really matters is being happy.
I'm never quite as happy as I am when either someone appreciates a joke I've written, or when I feel a certain type of connection with a person. The second kind of happiness is extremely fleeting, usually ends with a prolonged period of horrid depression, and the worst part is that I cannot re-create it. I need someone else. I've found people in general to be extremely unreliable. I don't like them. Writing is something that I can do when everyone else has gone to sleep, or left me. I'll be able to write until almost the very moment I cease to exist.
The kind of connection I'm talking about, obviously, is a romantic one. But it's also more than that. It's where you want to touch someone, but don't at the same time. When you understand someone so completely that it's okay when they're wrong. Or when they try to dig themselves out of a hole in their own logic, and you don't throw dirt on their shoulders. It all boils down to reproduction, of course. Ultimately, everything boils down to all the instincts we as humans think we're above. Fucking, fighting, and feeding. That's life, that's why we're here.
Although, the connection people feel with each other has to be something that's not described there. I personally think this is the source of all creative processes that humans go through. To explain that feeling that isn't quite covered by the three F's. So I'm going to try right now. I think it's that very moment, when you respect another human enough, that you honestly believe the combination of your genes would be a worthwhile contribution. Maybe, somehow, with that grabtastic amalgamation of genetic material that forms inside one of you, you can both escape entropy. Maybe, half of each of you makes the perfect person. Maybe THIS new person can do what neither of you could. That's always the hope, isn't it? It is, it's what your parents wanted for you, on down through your ancestors since they were apes trying to stand on 2 legs to see over tall grass.
Well, I'm done hoping that my children will do what I cannot. I'm done having low expectations for mates. I'm done seeing people as 'out of my league.' I'm also done wanting to have a decent job so that a female sees me as a prospective mate. That's a waste of time, which I have too little of. But I do believe that it is my personal obligation to the human race to reproduce. Why? Well that's a tougher question to answer. Probably because it's one of the F's. I'm trying to explain reality without using it as a crutch though. So let's try again. It's my obligation to reproduce because my bloodline demands reproduction. I don't plan on flooding the world with my offspring, because that's counter-productive (I do understand the irony there). We need more variety though. We, as humans, need more people who refuse to be cogs in a useless machine that demands everything and gives nothing. I don't think we can beat it. But I think that the more people we have wondering why it's there the better off humans will be. So far, every man or woman that has fought this machine has lost. Horribly. Karl Marx comes to mind. I think the fault he had was underestimating the potential this machine has for severe reprogramming when facing total annihilation. He assumed, as it does resemble a machine, that it would work like one, and it does not.
Now, another inherent problem with attempting destruction of this machine itself is that the world is dependant on it. We all need it. Why? Because this machine has made us forget all but two skills we once had as a species. We still remember how to fuck and how to feed. This explains the intense population explosion, which arose about one millenia after this machine's creation. We remember how to feed, because this is how the machine maintains the status quo. We have forgotten how to fight. Now, you're thinking that we know how to fight. Look at the middle east, you say. You tell me of Littleton, CO. Look at all the people dying by violence, you think. This is not fighting, this is merely an extention of the angst created by living dependant on an unfeeling machination. Fighting is done to ensure survival, not at the whim of a government ensuring the 'collective' good. But, I need a better example, don't I. You still don't believe. How many people do you know, that could eat without any money? Do they know how to hunt? Can they plant things in the soil, and let water and sun make these things grow? Can they survive the bitter cold once their electrical company shuts them down, when our sun grows distant in the later months of our calendar? Can they protect their children, from themselves, but most importantly, from the bitter venom our culture injects to ease the transition from natural human survival into dependance on a machine that doesn't care? I assure you, they cannot. They have forgotten how to fight. We have voluntarily removed ourselves from the natrual progression of events to place ourselves in a grinder of flesh. Can you fight? Will you fight? No, and no.
Now, we have a surrogate grasp on what this machine is, and one reason attempting destruction on this machine will ultimately fail. I understand that this is difficult, because of the veil. Once you better understand the veil, you will better understand that which controls you. The veil is an early defence the machine created. When people begin asking questions. When people wanted something better. When they say, "Why must he make things for others so quickly that he destroys the air my children breathe? Why must he eat and grow fat, while my children whither and die? Why does he send my children to fight wars to protect his production facilities, while his children stay safe. Very soon, there will be none of us left." Now, this is where things get interesting, because there still are some of us left. Which makes us ask why. In a world seeming so bent on our destruction, why are any of us still here? Because they need us. They need us here, so they can have, and we cannot. If there were none of us, they would have to fight amongst themselves. Their children would die, they would not be fat, and would starve. So the first incarnation of the veil was a Father figure for us all, so we would quiet down, as we are all afraid of our fathers. They said to us, "We have been told by God that we should have, and you should not. Have no fear, you will be rewarded once you expire. Your job is hard, but the meek shall inherit the earth." This worked for many years, for many years we said, "We will endure this pain, while you do nothing, for we will be rewarded." Slowly, we realized they had lied. We have no reward. We have no great paradise. We grew angry at the liars, and immediately tried to rebel by not making this machine work. This failed, because while the machine needs us to work, we need this machine to survive. We must first relearn how to fight, before anything can be done.
Which, brings us to now. Now we are wanting something we can't have. We are wanting the paradise we were promised. I will tell you, whether I am right or not, that it is not there. Why would I tell you this? Because this want is a new incarnation of the veil. I tell you there is nothing for you because it is an excuse to be lazy. It is an excuse to not care. You must care. Otherwise you are on a side of the veil which hides the machine, in all it's bitter workings, from you. We must not want which we cannot affect. What we can affect, we must demand. We must learn how to fight again, as an equal of the animals we have begun to see ourselves as above.
These are things that I have realized. I realize that it sounds like the depraved rantings of a drug addled teenager. I also realize that the realization of the status of our world helps nobody. I'm not done caring though. I'm officially dedicating my life not to the destruction of the this machine, but to the veil this machine hides behind. Everytime they move the veil, or alter it's texture, I will be there to tell you: "Look! They have changed the veil again, so that it still hides the machine. We must keep searching." Because as long as you all know that it IS a veil, and you have not, in fact, reached a wall, we will win eventually. As long as everybody around us earnestly believes that there is nothing wrong, nothing will change. We must educate them, we will teach them. Using a systematic, acidic logic, we will free these people from their hamster wheels of cars and clothes and overpriced carcinogen caloric foods.
"In the world I see -- you're stalking elk through the damp canyon forests around the ruins of Rockefeller Center. You will wear leather clothes that last you the rest of your life. You will climb the wrist-think kudzu vines that wrap the Sears Tower. You will see tiny figures pounding corn and laying-strips of venison on the empty car pool lane of the ruins of a superhighway."
