I finally started writing again! Here's a sample (Keep in mind that it sucks, but it's still exciting to me):

I know it’s been a while since the question was initially posed, but it’s got to be answered at some point. Have we yet deduced who, in fact, let the dogs out in the first place?

That’s one thing I really love about hip hop. More than any other genre of music, they’re prepared to ask inane questions and make demands on an audience nobody else would ever conceive of. I recall Kris-Kross wanting us to “Jump, Jump,” as it were. Live shows are the worst though. Don’t get me wrong, I like hip hop, but when I go to a show, I want the guys I’m paying to see to do the work, you know? “Who’s house?” I don’t fucking know, you tell me, asshole. “Everybody SCREAM!” I’m busy trying to figure out why there’s a lemon in my long island iced tea, and you want me to scream? Fuck all that buddy, you scream.

How do they do that anyway? Not the screaming, the long islands. I’ve seen them make the motherfuckers, and it’s nothing but booze. That’s how you know you’re getting a decent drink: when the bartender has to grab bottles two at a time. I’ll never understand it, but nonetheless, my hat is off.

Now as I said, I do enjoy some hip hop, but one thing I cannot abide is hip hop lacking witty lyrics. People tell me it’s all about the beat, but I digress. What have you got without lyrical intensity in a hip hop song? A 4 and a half minute drum machine solo. That’s what you’ve got, and that, just will not cut it.

50 cent? I hate fifty cent. That’s right, fifty, though even Sharon Osborne, that status seeking trollup, feels obligated to call him ‘fity.’ I’m getting sidetracked, but what the fuck? How did she get her own show? She has a small dog and is married to a rock star. This is now the requirement for being a television personality? What about attractiveness and the ability to articulate simple concepts? Maybe I’m just mad because I don’t have a dog.

Anyway, about fifty. I love it when I articulate my severe distaste towards the man and his music, and white people say this: Well, he can flow. Shut up. The only flow that white people should be talking about is the monthly kind that has baby makings in it. Flow? Do you even know what that means? NO! You don’t! “Well, he got shot in the face, so he’s a bit more credible than Jah-Rule.” I can’t even comprehend what it would take to be less credible than Jah-Rule, so fuck that. Besides, I don’t think taking a bite from a lead salad necessarily constitutes rap competence. I mean, so fifty shorted some crackhead in Queens on an 8 ball, and the guy shot him. This kind of thing happens all the time, and really shouldn’t lend to credibility. Then again, the guy does have one of the best selling records of all time. BUT! When you consider other popular things, from Olympic figure skating, the world’s strongest man competition, Jim Jones, Hitler, and the Bible, just because something is widely received doesn’t mean it’s good.