MTV makes me want to smoke crack.

I watched, "Pimp My Ride" last night. Yeah, for the first time, and I'm sorry. Why am I sorry? Well, lots of reasons. I'm sorry if me watching "Pimp My Ride" destroys your vision of me. I'm sorry I contributed to the show's ratings. I'm sorry that people want their rides "Pimped." I'm sorry that mindlessness is spreading through our species at an alarming rate.

I'm sorry that I'm human, mostly because I'm ashamed to belong to the race of creature that decided MTV was a good idea.

So I guess what I want to say is this:

Dear MTV, Xzibit, and producers of "Pimp My Ride":

My name is Nate, and I'm a 21 year-old, white male who lives in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Under no circumstances whatsoever, are you to contemplate "pimping" my ride. I don't want to "Step off the sidelines and become a player." I don't want the super sweet shit you guys seem to have in abundance, and I don't want to be on your show.

If you touch my "ride," I will rub my testicles on your collective lips for all time, amen.

Also, I disagree with the premise, intent, and application of your television program. I encountered it on a channel which is incorrectly known as "Music Television". There was very little music in your show, and all of it was used to instigate false emotions within the lower creatures that watch your program.

In summary: I don't need a playstation and a 34 inch Television permanently tuned to MTV in my vehicle. I don't want Xzibit within twenty meters of my vehicle. Please, leave my "ride" the fuck alone.

Nate

PS: I know your audience has a short attention span, but I think you guys could use the title of your show a little less during the show itself.

Also... I think that simple, suburbanite, pasty white kids are doing just fine co-opting black culture on their own. You don't need to help them, or make them feel good about it. Because it's not cool, it's not their culture, and they're just realizing that everything their parents believe in is empty and meaningless. Let's let them kill themselves when they have this realization, alright? Really, it's for the best.